I like the way you started your essay because you make it interesting to read. It is not boring and you make some good points. However, i feel like you had to keep this way of writing only for the beginning, where you have to get people's attention so that they go on reading. Maybe for the rest of the essay it would have been better if you used not only facts & figures but more solutions. I get your idea in general, but reading your essay felt more like reading a story, rather than a piece where ideas were given. Maybe this is the way you wanted it to be :) Maybe you decided to keep it interesting and more philosophical. Either way it was nice reading it. Good luck